Dinner with the (Future) In-Laws
by amsayy
Summary: Prompt: "Idk if I'm doing this right, but here's a prompt- Cartman and Kyle having dinner with Kyle's parents." AKA: Kyle's mom walks in on her son having sex. They then proceed to have dinner together.


This was far from the ideal way Kyle had wanted to come out to his parents.

The plan had originally been; go off to college and tell them then because he could hide out in his dorm room.

What had actually happened? Well...

Cartman had come over after class, not an uncommon occurrence since they'd started seeing each other. Kyle's parents knew they were friends, despite his mother absolutely hating the fat bastard. So it wasn't ass if that was odd and would warrant investigation. When they'd gotten upstairs, Kyle was sure he'd locked his door before throwing on a Spotify playlist. A clear indication of 'please leave us alone', at least for their generation. Then, as per tradition, Kyle had nagged until they'd gotten their homework done. Something that wouldn't have taken an hour and a half if Cartman hadn't bitched at him. After that was the natural progression; Cartman said some stupid comment, Kyle snapped at him, they bickered for about ten minutes before finally giving in to one another.

There was one small benefit to their routine, which was neither of them were ever _completely_ naked, saving Kyle from some of the humiliation. Sort of. It was still pretty fucking horrifying for ones Jewish mom to walk in on her son riding an anti-Semitic bastard. Especially while said son was getting off way to much at being referred to as a 'hot little power bottom' by said anti-Semitic bastard. Kyle had wanted to cry when he'd seen his mom there, standing in his doorway, catatonic. Even more when his first instinct wasn't to jump off Cartman's dick and do anything, literally anything. But no, all he did was sink down on it in shame, causing Cartman to let out an involuntary moan of pleasure right in front of his mother.

Thank fuck she had half the sense then to slam the door shut and yell through the wood that 'dinner was ready!'.

Kyle didn't move. Eric didn't move. They just sat there for for a few minutes, Kyle's legs on either side of Eric's hips with his cock, still hard, up his ass. Kyle's hands dug into Eric's shirt, trying to comprehend the situation. The other young man seemed to do it a whole lot faster, his hands sliding up the back of Kyle's pale thighs to grab at his cheeks and try to encourage him to start moving again. "Mind finishing up there..?" Cartman asked, and Kyle stared down at him, brows knitted together in anger. His stupid comment knocked Kyle's brain back into place, and Kyle moved alright. He pulled off the larger boy entirely, yanking his tee shirt down to cover himself up.

"You're an asshole," Kyle spat, climbing off the bed and grabbing the box of tissues off the end-table to wipe himself dry of the lubricant. Eric whined, slumping back on the bed and reluctantly slipped himself back into his boxers. Kyle whipped the box at his head, pleased when the corner left a small mark in Cartman's fat fucking forehead. "oy, fuck you, Jew!" Cartman cried out, grabbing the box and chucking it back at the redhead. Kyle dodged it easily by ducking down to grab his jeans off the floor. Just to be nice, Kyle grabbed Eric's as well before throwing them at him. He wanted to kick his ass, really, but throwing things would do fine for now.

" **Dinner!** " They heard Kyle's mother call again, and fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

" _Fuck,"_ Kyle cursed, cheeks burning red with anger when the fat fuck started to laugh.

"I'm going to fucking kill you," Kyle hissed at Eric, quiet enough to not be heard as they descended the stairs. He was clearly amused by this whole situation, never one to back down from getting Sheila Broflovski riled up and ready for a fight. Eric chuckled, tossing an arm around Kyle's shoulders. "Is that any way to talk to your life partner, Kah-l?" he purred into Kyle's ear, only to piss Kyle off more and force his arm away from him. "I will literally push you down the stairs, don't test me," Kyle snapped back.

His threats no longer meant much, as it had been a while since Kyle had actually went through with any of them. Maybe he should, just to remind Eric who was the dominant person in this relationship. On the last step, Kyle thought maybe that was a _little_ on the abusive side... Eric took hold of his hand, and if it was anyone else in the world Kyle would have found the gesture sweet, supportive. To show Kyle that he was there for him even in this time of homosexual crisis. But it wasn't. Kyle knew Eric a whole lot better than that. It was to not only piss Kyle off, but to see his mom's reaction when they walked into the dining room.

"Evening, Mrs. Broflovski. Dinner smells _ah-may-zing._ " Eric swung his and Kyle's arms between them, a joyous smile plastered on his face. The nasty look on Kyle's mom's face didn't phase him. Kyle knew not to expect Eric back down in fear from her, considering he didn't back down when Kyle's rage came into play. Not since they were like, thirteen, anyways. He let go of Eric's hand, stepping away from him before yanking out his chair and sitting down. His movements were aggressive, full of anger and Eric was heavily amused by it. Fuckhead. And to make it worse, the fatass sat beside him rather than across. He felt Eric's hand go to squeeze his thigh, and Kyle picked up his fork from the table while his mother returned to the kitchen. While Eric was distracted by greeting Ike, Kyle slipped it under the table to be used as a weapon should Eric try anything stupid.

It wasn't too much long after that they were all seated at the table, plates full of food. Everyone was quiet, eating their food in silence. Kyle's dad and brother hadn't any idea why, hopefully. With any luck, they'd all eat their dinner in silence and then Kyle could shove Eric out the door and proceed to scream at him tomorrow at school instead.

But no, of course not, because be damned if Kyle ever got anything he wanted in life. Kyle watched as his mother picked up her wine glass, taking a larger than average gulp of it before looking at the two seventeen year olds. "Are you being safe?" Sheila asked, and Kyle choked on his potatoes.

"Mom!"

Gerald looked confused, eyes shifting between his wife and son. "Safe?" he asked, and Kyle groaned. His mother picked up her knife to gesture between Kyle and Eric, eyes narrowing and Kyle heard Eric whisper into his ear if looking at his mom was like looking into a mirror sometimes. Kyle kicked him under the table, feeling his cheeks go red again as his mother decided to explain.

"Our son is _sexually active_." She said it like it was something taboo, and Kyle was about to point out that she was far from a saint given Kyle was conceived out of wedlock. But his father spoke first, looking sternly at the two teenagers. "Together?" he asked, and Eric nodded, grinning.

"I love your son, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski." Eric sounded so sweet, and Kyle stabbed him in the thigh with his fork. "Don't be so facetious, Cartman," Kyle snapped, Eric looking positively wounded that Kyle would be so mean. Both his parents looked concerned, while Ike wasn't phased in the slightest. "Are you using protection," Kyle dad asked, back to this subject again apparently. Kyle was about to lie, say yes, of course. They weren't stupid, after all. That his parents raised him better than to be unsafe. Cartman had already given him AIDS once, and he didn't have two hundred grand to deal with it a second time.

But God forbid Cartman ever make his life easy. With such sweetness dripping from his voice, he spoke. "No, Kyle doesn't like the feel of them. I tried to tell him, but he insisted. Says there's nothing to worry about because we were virgins before each other." Kyle growled, low in his throat. Yeah, he was kicking his ass tomorrow. In front of everyone, so Eric could feel the humiliation. Kyle's parents looked at him, horror and shame written across both their faces. "He's lying!" Kyle cried. "It's not... Well..." Well, it wasn't a lie. Kyle had said that. And Kyle didn't like them. They used condoms a couple times but it just wasn't nearly as good. "Eric agreed! He didn't try to tell me at all, he's full of shit." He needed to deflect this away from him, but considering he was their kid, not Eric, he doubted he'd succeed.

"Watch your language, Kyle!" Sheila scolded, and Kyle groaned. "For fucks sa-" "Kyle!" "Ah, mom!" he huffed, getting a kick under the table from her for swearing again.

Everyone was quiet for a good minute, nearly all of them taking a drink of whatever beverage was in front of them. Until Eric opened his fat mouth again, a look of faux concern plastered on it. "You know, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle was worried about you finding out he was gay," he gave Kyle a 'sympathetic' pat on his shoulder, and Kyle shook his head in warning at him. "And I said, 'Kyle, your parents love you very much. There's no way they'd be ashamed of you. You're their son, and what matters most of all is that you're happy.' But he didn't believe me." That was a conversation they never had, at all. The only thing close to that that could be construed as a conversation like that was when Kyle said he didn't want them to find out he was getting fucked by a Nazi-sympathizer. Kyle's parents had twin looks of concern on their faces, hurt at the fake news that their son didn't trust their love to tell them such things. As if it was about them!

"I _never_ said that!" Kyle protested, and his father put his fork down to give Kyle such a sad and understanding look that it made him feel bad about something he didn't even say. "You know, son, he's right. We love you very much, gay or not. It's normal. Even your mom and I experimented when we were younger, even a few years ago Stan's dad and I-" Kyle just started screaming, childishly covering his ears. The last thing he wanted to do was hear about was whatever he was gonna say about him and his best friend's dad. Even Eric looked slightly horrified. Good, about time he had to suffer some.

"First of all," Kyle snapped, raising his fork threateningly at everyone at the table. "I'm _not_ gay." Kyle's mom looked like she wasn't believing that in the slightest. Why would she? She'd literally caught him having sex with another guy. Before she could comment on it, Kyle explained himself. "I'm attracted to Cartman, for some fucking reason. Not because he's a dude. Because I like him." Turning to look at the brunet, Kyle scoffed at his proud, smug face. Whatever, let him think Kyle was stroking his ego. "Secondly, I'm not talking about this anymore. We're dating, we're having sex, I'm not in any danger of getting pregnant and we don't have any diseases. We're fine. So everyone just shut up and eat. Especially you, Cartman."

For once, the God's smiled upon Kyle and everyone stayed quiet, silently eating their dinner. Peace. Finally, Kyle had peace. At least for ten minutes, maybe. Until Eric opened his fat mouth again, slipping his arm around Kyle's waist and pulling him almost out of his chair in effort to hold him closer. "Mr. Broflovski, can I ask permission to marry your son?" Kyle shoved him away, adjusting himself back into his seat. "I wouldn't marry you if you were the last fuckhead on earth, Cartman," Kyle spat before his parents could answer.

"That's not a polite way to talk to your partner, Kyle," Sheila chastised, and Kyle pushed his chair back, standing as he collected his nearly empty plate. "He certainly isn't my partner! That implies he does equal work." Cartman's mouth fell, a hand going to his chest as if he was scandalized. "That's rude," he huffed, handing his plate over to Kyle. That literally emphasized his point, and he stared at his parents with Eric's plate in his hand. "See? Fat ass can't even get up to put his own plate in the dish washer." His mother tsked,collecting hers and Gerald's plates before handing them off to Kyle as if he was suddenly their own personal Cinderella. What the fuck?

"He's a guest, Kyle, be polite," his father said, and grabbed Ike's plate to hold out for Kyle to take. With handfuls of dishes, Kyle stared at them, incredulous. "It's Eric Cartman, he wouldn't know politeness if it hit him over the head," Kyle protested. Eric pouted, and he wanted to punch that stupid innocent look off his face. This was a conspiracy against him, Kyle was sure of it.

"Eric's not the one swearing and insulting people, young man," his mother lectured, waving him off to tell him to go put the dishes in the dish washer.

Kyle hated every single one of them.


End file.
